This working all day thing….

I totally forgot to do an 11 month update!  Lately I’ve been lucky if I remember to use shampoo and conditioner in the right order – the changes to our routine have been a huge, huge adjustment.

A quick rundown:

  • Moose is rocking daycare.  I went back to get her after two hours on the first day, expecting a confused and overtired baby who had missed her morning nap, and she was asleep.  Her teachers are magical creatures who get 10 babies to eat well and take naps, are often singing and dancing with the kids when I come in, and Moose absolutely loves them and her tiny baby friends.  I’m not sure that I have the words to convey how relieved and happy I am to feel so good about where she is.  We are so, so lucky.
  • I wish that I liked my new job as much as Moose likes school.  There’s not much to say about it – I knew it wasn’t a great fit and I took it anyway.  I can be at daycare by about 4:15 every day and that makes it worth being unhappy, but it’s been a hard pill to swallow.  I’ve been spoiled by 5 years of working in a fantastic autism classroom and implementing my own social skills and behaviour programming, and now I’m working in a…very different classroom one-on-one with a student, following someone else’s program and disagreeing with much of what is happening.  I felt ready to move on in some ways – I don’t think I ever really got over feeling so unsupported at school after Ezra died – but it’s still professionally frustrating. I’ll live.
  •  I had forgotten how exhausting it is to come out to large groups of new people.  I find it easiest to do it before anyone has time to develop a mental picture of me as a heterosexual (people seem oddly thrown when you correct them later), so there’s a lot of using the term “my wife” as often as possible and watching them fumble.  It’s not a big deal, but it’s tiring.
  • Not for the first time, it strikes me that “coming out” as a bereaved parent is not dissimilar.  It’s best to do it early, but it’s a real conversation stopper.
  • This needs its own post, and I’m going to try to find the words soon, but I’m really struggling with the world right now.  There has been an awful lot of tragedy of late, and too many dead kids.  I’m tearing up even as I think about writing about it, but it’s percolating, and I’ll try.
  • I’ll do a one year (!) post soon – her birthday is in two weeks – but in a nutshell, Moose is awesome.  She is a still toothless, nearly walking, mischievous, dancing, chatty little ball of energy.
I did at least remember to take a photo.

I did at least remember to take a photo.

I wondered when she would realize that the chair rocks...

I wondered when she would realize that the chair rocks…


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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4 Responses to This working all day thing….

  1. Lemon Drop says:

    Welcome back! Moose looks suddenly so much older than she did. Good luck with the job transitions and all the interpersonal stuff too. Exhausting!

  2. How great that Moose loves school! We’re still working on the transition…
    Only knowing the bereaved parent situation, I can only imagine how daunting introductions must seem with two potentially awkward topics… Hang in there. I’m starting a new job in February and nobody there knows anything about the twins – yet. And I can very much relate to not wanting to stay in an environment that was unsupportive after your loss.

  3. babylossmama says:

    Gack. I totally here you on coming out as both gay and a bereaved mom. It’ll never end and it is emotionally exhausting sometimes!

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