Thanks for all the sleep wisdom, everyone. We are very gradually making progress (I’m going to ignore the last 3 nights as I make that statement because they were abysmal, but it’s just a phase, right?). I think part of the learning here is for us to accept that everything is in motion. Sleep will evolve, like everything else, and Moose is still very little. It’s a work in progress. I am so, so, so grateful for my wife, who makes sure I get a bit of sleep every night and spells me off when I’m at the end of my rope. Watching her love our daughter is one of the greatest pleasures of my life.
So, we have a two-month-old! How crazy is that?!
This month was full of happenings. Moose started to smile, which actually made a huge difference in my level of frustration. Isn’t that funny? I can be up all night soothing a crabby baby, but she wakes in the morning and flashes me a huge grin and suddenly it’s okay. It’s our first feedback that isn’t crying, or the absence of crying. And it’s so stinking cute.
We had Moose’s two month checkup this week, and she passed with flying colours. Weight gain is fine, she’s now over 10 pounds and super long for her age. So we’re officially no longer having trouble with milk supply – it’s been weeks since we had to give Moose any formula. I’m so grateful that breastfeeding is going as well as it is. Moose had her first vaccines, which was much harder on me than it was on her! I nursed her during the shots, and that sad surprised face before she started to cry just killed me. She calmed almost immediately and was none the worse for wear, aside from a fussy evening.
Let’s see, what else? I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have a bit of PPD, which is not at all surprising. I’m already taking medication, I have a great therapist, and I’m going to start a group next week. It will be good just to get out regularly, I think. Part of my problem is that I’m always sure that other moms with babies this age are managing so much better than I am. I think that there’s also a block here for me because Moose is our second child. It’s very, very difficult for me to feel frustrated with a sleepless night or a screamy car ride when I am so conscious of how lucky we are to have a healthy, living baby. I never forget it. It’s hard to make room for it to be okay to find things to be hard sometimes, and that it doesn’t mean that I don’t have gratitude. Those things can both be true at the same time. This is hard. It’s harder than I thought it was going to be, honestly, and harder than people really talk about. And I still love and delight in my daughter.
Some notes from the month:
- Daytime sleep is still kind of ridiculous. Right now I wear Moose for virtually every daytime nap, although she has started to be able to sleep in the swing for short periods, with a lot of encouragement (i.e. the crazy mama crouching behind the swing, playing white noise on a cell phone and holding the pacifier until she drops off.) My sister-in-law came over yesterday, rocked Moose into a sound sleep, swaddled her and put her in the swing, and she slept until we finally had to wake her for her evening feed. Clearly, I need practice!
- Moose is outgrowing all her sleepers in length and the arms are all too short, but she’s still swimming in them sideways. I’ll have to get out some of the 3-6 month clothes and see how they fit.
- This is an alert baby! I think part of our challenge with naps has been how interested she is in everything. Big hits this month include black and white art cards, the dangling toys on her bouncer, the eyes on her robot lamp, her toy octopus (Captain Calamari), and her true love, the railings on our stairs.
- Moose has decided that she HATES the car, suddenly. Hates it. So. much. screaming. It’s stressful for everyone involved.
- She loves the bath and smiles big gummy smiles, especially if you pour warm water on her belly or head.
- She likes to be sung to, especially if silly faces or tickling is involved.
- Today we went to our local queer family drop-in for the first time – so good to talk to some other parents! Also: the baby who won’t sleep if the blinds aren’t entirely closed and who we pace with for hours fell fast asleep during a rousing rendition of The Wheels on the Bus. Go figure.
- Moose looks exactly like I did as a baby. It’s odd, to see my expressions on someone else’s face!