One Month

It’s been a month, unbelievably.  As I’m sure most new parents would say, it has both flown and crawled, as we adjust to the change between tentatively anticipating a baby and actually parenting a newborn.

I’ll be honest – the first couple of weeks were really hard.  My milk supply was low and Moose wasn’t gaining weight, which led to an insane schedule of feeding, supplementing and pumping, and I went a little nuts over not having the ability to exclusively feed my baby.  I also experienced a terrifying period of postpartum anxiety starting about 4 days after birth, when my milk came in and my hormones crashed.  Unfortunately, this manifested itself in the inability to sleep at all, which is not useful. Added to this, of course, was that the last time I recovered from birth it was in a haze of grief, and I think often of Ezra and the milestones we’ll never reach with him.  It’s just a lot, and it was hard, so hard, to see it getting better.

But gradually, it is.  Lauren and I are in awe of our daughter – squishy little face and all. She’s a feisty, snuggly, gassy, silly expression-making little peanut of a thing, and it’s still hard to believe that she’s ours.  “Remember how we have a baby?” one of us will say to the other at least once a day.  We’re slowly starting to get the hang of things  – nursing is finally getting easier as my milk has increased, Lauren is perfecting her swaddle technique, I’ve watched so much Netflix in the dead of night while feeding that we actually used up our internet service for the month, something that I didn’t even know could happen.  I’m starting to venture out with the wrap or the stroller, and the world becomes increasingly manageable (although this directly depends on which day you ask me, whether I have slept at all, how many hours Moose has been crying, and whether our stubborn baby has burped even once after a meal).

Some notes for the month:

  • Moose likes:  breastmilk, having a bath in the big tub, her brown giraffe blanket, riding in the car or the stroller, being snuggled in her wrap or carrier, holding something in her hands while you change her diaper, sleeping on a mom’s chest, the “shush” app on my phone, and making her mouth into a perfect little “o” while staring at us as though shocked.
  • Moose dislikes: formula (she whines while she drinks it), being undressed, being dressed, having her diaper changed (with an astonishing amount of rage), being laid on her back, when spit-up comes out her nose (to be fair, I dislike that too), burping (thus the spit-up), being swaddled, sleeping without a swaddle, her bassinet, and being put down in general.
  • This is one of the most expressive babies that I’ve ever seen – the faces she makes are amazing.  Her pout and quivering chin break my heart, I swear she’s starting to smile socially, she can arch her eyebrows in judgement like nobody’s business, and she does a great “what the hell” expression.
  • I drop a ridiculous amount of food on my child’s head while nursing or pacing around while wearing her.  Sorry about the pasta, kid.
  • I have been working on this post for a week now, in blocks of the approximately 5 minutes at a time that my hands are free.  Such is new parenthood!
  • I know this picture is blurry, but I love it anyway.
    The one where she actually looked in my direction.  She was captivated by the nearby lamp!

    The one where she actually looked in my direction. She was captivated by the nearby lamp!



About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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5 Responses to One Month

  1. DeCaf says:

    She looks adorable and sounds wonderful.

  2. Allison says:

    Oh goodness, she’s a sweet little peanut, isn’t she? Sorry to hear about the early struggles. I am convinced that there is always something. It sounds as if you’re doing quite well now. I hope things continue to get easier/less worrisome.

  3. mfamama says:

    What a lovely baby!

  4. Lauren says:

    Look at her chubby little calves in that picture! Her skinny legs are turning into real hams! I love it.

  5. CGsaysstuff says:

    So great to have an update. I relate to the milk struggles (formula supplementing 😦 ), the intervals of five minute post editing, the mood swinging anxiety crash (Oy do I relate) and the food on the head. Poor baby got a glob of ketchup on her face while nursing that made her cry in shock. Looking forward to more on your journey.

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