Clearly our child…

She obviously wants to do things on her own time.

After weeks of staying off my feet to avoid putting any pressure on my already dilating and effacing cervix, I was finally allowed to get up as I approached term.  My OB fully expected me to go into labour quickly, so we scrambled and painted and did laundry and packed hospital bags.  And…. she’s still quite happily inside.

I’m so grateful that we made it to term – that isn’t something that I took for granted, not once through this entire pregnancy.  I never fully believed, not deep down, even at my most optimistic, that this day would come.  Now, suddenly, I’m like every other heavily pregnant woman in the world – waddling and uncomfortable, up 6 or 7 times a night to deal with the weight pressing on my bladder, doing slow laps around the block to move things along, and wondering just how much spicy food they’re talking about when they say it will induce labour.

The last week in particular has been a restless one.  I keep having enough signs of labour to make me believe that it’s imminent, and we’re ready to meet our baby.  I know, too, that labour and delivery are likely to be triggering for me, and anticipating it every day is becoming exhausting.  We’ve waited a long, long time, and these last days are hard.  Lauren and I are trying to use them well – to focus on each other and savour those outings and quiet moments that will be hard to come by for a while.

Ultimately, as much as I’ve been thrilled to have this tiny passenger accompany me through my days, we’ve issued little Moose an eviction notice.  (Side note: at this point I’m sincerely hoping that Moose comes out with a “Hello, my name is….” sticky tag, because she still doesn’t have one, which is a post all on it’s own – we did not have a hard time picking names when I was pregnant with Ezra, and this time we simply cannot decide.  She may well be Moose forever.)  I’m not quite overdue, but for various reasons we and our doctor have decided to get this show on the road.  So unless she decides to come out sooner, we’re going to be induced on Friday.  This one!  The one at the end of this week!

Loss does strange things to people, because mixed in with the excitement and anticipation of meeting my daughter is a very real sense of urgency that we need to get her out while she’s still alive.  I am so grateful for both my amazing OB and my therapist, who have worked together to make us as comfortable as possible with our care and the plans for this birth.  This is it.

We can’t wait.



About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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8 Responses to Clearly our child…

  1. You’re so close now! I hope you don’t have to wait until Friday.

  2. You’re so close indeed! My husband is right with you on the sense of urgency to get her out before anything bad might happen. I hope Friday comes quickly and everything goes smoothly!

  3. So excited for you! Friday is soon…very soon! Best wishes and sending strength and love to you both…

  4. Allison says:

    Holding you three in our thoughts!

  5. DeCaf says:

    It’ll be any day now. 🙂 Good luck!

  6. lucadorosmom says:

    You’ve been in my thoughts. We will be celebrating our rainbow’s 4 weeks birthday tomorrow. Looking forward to exchanging birth stories. Sending love and blessings your way for a wonderful welcome to the world for Moose.

  7. Rachael says:

    Can’t wait!! So excited for you guys and little Miss Moose!!

  8. CGsaysstuff says:

    All the very very best, cannot wait for updates!

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