Off the grid

Sorry, everyone.

I know I’ve been absent, and I know a few of you were wondering. I’m fine, Moose is fine, I just hit 27 weeks today and all is well.

I don’t even have a good reason for not posting. It’s just so difficult to explain the absolute mind-twist of an experience that is pregnancy after loss. I expected it to be difficult – I have not felt blindsided – but I was unprepared for how strange it would be to teeter wildly between fear, grief, and joy, awe in the experience of the person that my body is building, moments of intense connection, moments where the connection feels dangerous, and the sudden sour moments where I don’t believe that we’re going to get to keep her. It’s intense.

All of a sudden I’m more pregnant than I’ve ever been, by quite a bit, and that’s both sad and wonderful. These milestones are new, now, and they belong only to Moose. It’s such a contrast to the first 22 weeks, where I compared every moment. Lauren and I have been regularly spending evenings after dinner watching my belly shimmy around of its own accord as Moose stretches and rolls. I’m reading chapters of the heterosexist pregnancy books that I never got to, before. We ordered a beautiful rocking chair for the nursery, a milestone that felt like one of the bravest things I’ve ever done, like faith itself. It’s finally, after 49 cumulative weeks of pregnancy, starting to feel like the home stretch, at least in the times when I believe things will be okay. All of this hope is hard work.

It’s too easy to slip into panic. I worry when I haven’t felt her move in awhile, even though she was pummeling my bladder an hour before. I worry with every backache, every round ligament pain, with every nightmare. We’re approaching Ezra’s birthdate next month and there are times when everything feels triggering.  All things considered, I’m keeping most of the panic to a manageable level (lots of self-talk and therapy). Most babies live, I tell myself daily.

There is more to say about this – and I have more time, being off for the summer! – but that’s the basic update.  There is a squirmy, apparently healthy little girl rapidly gaining weight in my belly,  I’m wrestling with the crazy and sometimes winning, and so the days pass.


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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8 Responses to Off the grid

  1. babylossmama says:

    Thanks for the update! I’m hoping that someday your posts help tether me when I reach that “post-baby loss” week (for me, week 24). Fingers crossed for you and me :).

  2. ashley72788 says:

    I’m so glad to hear you and your family are doing well. I can relate 100% to everything you are saying. We are not past the 20 week mark of when we lost our son, and once we go to the anatomy scan I *hope* I can relax a bit more, his NTS and Anatomy Scan were when they started saying “something is wrong” … the twins passed their NTS with flying colors — so now we wait 4 weeks until we can here the same news for their anatomy scan. I feel like the constant good news and reassurance from the doctors that “it looks great” means nothing when you lost a child, especially since both of us experienced “it looks great” until they dreadful “something is wrong” It happened in a second. We bought a Doppler and listen to the heart beats daily – they’re only like 50-60$ online — usually ebay has them for cheap & it helps ease our fears, we have become pros and hear our babies heart beats within seconds of looking.

    I ask my wife all the time, “do you think our twins will live” because believing that in 4 months I will be holding my brand new healthy babies seems so unreal even at 15 weeks pregnant. Its a wound that can’t be healed. I am so glad that moose is growing strong and healthy, you’re almost 2/3 done 🙂

  3. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you and Moose are doing well – and your description resonates well with why I have trouble posting, too. Fingers crossed for many more uneventful weeks!

  4. Ashleigh says:

    I’ve been thinking about you. I’m glad that you posted and that the three of you are doing as well as expected. I hope that the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly and you’re able to enjoy it despite the fear.

  5. DeCaf says:

    I’m glad you and Moose are doing well.

  6. Rachael says:

    So glad to see you are all doing well! I hope it continues to be smooth and less worrisome as time goes on.

  7. lucadorosmom says:

    Like others have said, you’ve been on my mind. So glad all is good. We inch closer and closer to meeting these rainbows of ours.

  8. I just finished catching up on your entire blog. I must say, that has been quite a journey that you and your wife have been through. The ups, the downs, and now ups again. I can’t even begin to imagine how overwhelming it has been. You are a strong woman. A courageous soul who has endured what no woman should ever have to. As if our journey to motherhood isnt hard enough! I hope that anyone that has been through what you and your wife have been through is able to express their pain, desire, fear, reluctance, and ability to pick up the pieces as gracefully as you have. Thank you for allowing me to take a look into your life.

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