I know I’ve been absent, and I know a few of you were wondering. I’m fine, Moose is fine, I just hit 27 weeks today and all is well.
I don’t even have a good reason for not posting. It’s just so difficult to explain the absolute mind-twist of an experience that is pregnancy after loss. I expected it to be difficult – I have not felt blindsided – but I was unprepared for how strange it would be to teeter wildly between fear, grief, and joy, awe in the experience of the person that my body is building, moments of intense connection, moments where the connection feels dangerous, and the sudden sour moments where I don’t believe that we’re going to get to keep her. It’s intense.
All of a sudden I’m more pregnant than I’ve ever been, by quite a bit, and that’s both sad and wonderful. These milestones are new, now, and they belong only to Moose. It’s such a contrast to the first 22 weeks, where I compared every moment. Lauren and I have been regularly spending evenings after dinner watching my belly shimmy around of its own accord as Moose stretches and rolls. I’m reading chapters of the heterosexist pregnancy books that I never got to, before. We ordered a beautiful rocking chair for the nursery, a milestone that felt like one of the bravest things I’ve ever done, like faith itself. It’s finally, after 49 cumulative weeks of pregnancy, starting to feel like the home stretch, at least in the times when I believe things will be okay. All of this hope is hard work.
It’s too easy to slip into panic. I worry when I haven’t felt her move in awhile, even though she was pummeling my bladder an hour before. I worry with every backache, every round ligament pain, with every nightmare. We’re approaching Ezra’s birthdate next month and there are times when everything feels triggering. All things considered, I’m keeping most of the panic to a manageable level (lots of self-talk and therapy). Most babies live, I tell myself daily.
There is more to say about this – and I have more time, being off for the summer! – but that’s the basic update. There is a squirmy, apparently healthy little girl rapidly gaining weight in my belly, I’m wrestling with the crazy and sometimes winning, and so the days pass.