These last couple of weeks have been brutally difficult.

Nothing in particular was wrong – pregnancy is flowing along as smoothly as I could ask for – but I’ve been all too conscious that these weeks – 17, 18, 19 – were the last remaining few with Ezra where I was blissfully happy and ignorant.  It’s been very hard not to see disaster roaring towards us like a thundering train as we approached our anatomy scan.  We just had no idea last time – no idea.   For whatever reason, remembering that feeling is one of the most painful things for me.  That span of time before I knew.

We went in for our scan a couple of days ago, and although logically I knew that things were probably fine, I couldn’t shake the feeling of doom.  Also – is it weird that at this hospital they won’t let me see the screen?  Thank goodness for Lauren, whose expression has been the best part of all of my scans so far.  I may not be able to tell what’s going on, but her looks of surprise and delight as Moose does…whatever Moose is doing, melt me every time.  They do give me a glimpse at the end, at least.  

The scan took about an hour, the longest, quietest hour ever.  Our Moose is fine.  The brain and eye problems have not reoccurred, the other organs all look good.  Our geneticist gave us both a hug, welcomed us to “boring pregnancy”, and told us to let them know when I deliver so he can visit us in the hospital and meet our daughter.  

Moose is a wonderfully developing, very active, little girl.


(More to come later, as I’m swirling with thoughts, but at the moment I am limp with relief and exhaustion.  I’ll savour it.  Also, pictures to follow, as soon as I convince the hospital to fix our ridiculously expensive, non-working CD of ultrasound images.)


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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16 Responses to Relief

  1. Lindsay says:

    I don’t even know you and my eyes got misty reading this. I am so happy and relieved for you, too. Here’s to the rest of your pregnancy being boring.

  2. Lindsay says:

    PS – they didn’t let me see the screen until the end, either. It is weird!

  3. B says:

    The only time my wife got to see the screen was when they would turn it around at the end, or if she craned her neck in this weird, uncomfortable way to kind of look behind her. I think its just in case something’s wrong you don’t see the u/s tech’s face – maybe? So happy that your little Moosette is doing well! 🙂 YAY!

  4. Allison says:

    I HATED that they wouldn’t show me the screen when I was pregnant with Sprout, especially after getting to see it when my partner was pregnant with The Bean.
    Glad to hear everything is good and boring and YAY for baby girls!

    • I think it’s especially jarring after all those fertility clinic ultrasounds, where they’re handing out photos like party favours. It wasn’t an issue at our old hospital, so I was surprised. I guess it’s common!

  5. Ashleigh says:

    So happy to hear that you’re now in the “boring pregnancy” stage 🙂 Congrats on the little girl as well!

  6. babylossmama says:

    I loved that when I was transferred to a high-risk facility, the ultrasound room had a TV monitor directly in my line of sight so I could see everything on the screen! It was so much better than my first ultrasound, where I only caught a few glimpses.

    • I think that’s why I was so surprised – I’m in the high risk department of one of the most respected hospitals in the city. Different hospital to hospital, I guess!

  7. Isa says:

    I insist on seeing the screen all the time, every time, even if it’s just my ovaries. They are MY ovaries, damnit! Our new place has the tv screen which makes it much easier to see. Which is an aside from the heartfelt congratulations on your healthy, active little girl! I’m so glad to hear that things are going well in there!

  8. twomamasonebaby says:

    Fantastic news!! I have such a huge smile on my face right now. 🙂

  9. mamaetmaman says:

    Thank goodness! I’m so glad. I have been following both of your pregnancies, and feel such a sense of relief for you two.

  10. I’m so very happy that Moose is doing well, but I can understand how difficult it must be.

  11. lilac wine says:

    how wonderful..gentle congratulations

  12. My heart is truly aflutter. While i’ve been catching up on your blog, i was waiting for this post with fingers (and toes) crossed, praying and hoping that everything would be fine…and a girl! How precious…

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