Record Keeping

One of the things that I’m finding makes me sad about this second pregnancy is how reluctant I am to document it.  This is illogical, I know, something akin to how hard I’m finding it to accept my transition into maternity clothes.  It’s very difficult to acknowledge time passing before we know if Moose’s brain looks okay.  

Even after losing Ezra, I remain so grateful that I blogged that pregnancy…really, those months were the only time I spent with him alive.  I’m glad that I can look back and remember that I couldn’t eat any hot foods until I was at least 14 weeks pregnant, and that I first felt him squirming away while we were driving through British Columbia.  I find them painful to look at, but I’m glad that there are photos of my belly.  I’m glad to have kept memories.

I think deep down I suspect that if I don’t keep the records, maybe I’ll get the baby instead of the photos. Maybe I won’t need the memories, because I’ll have moved on to the next stage. This makes absolutely no sense.  It bothers me, to be illogical, and I want to be able to tell Moose, one day, that all I wanted to eat when I was first carrying him/her was pizza and blueberries.  So I thought I’d put down a few thoughts now, while I’m feeling brave.

  • Seriously, the kid only wants pizza.  I was spoiled in Chicago with the best gluten free pizza that I’ve ever had, and all Toronto pizza pales in comparison.  Sigh.
  • Berries are also vital.  I actually feel a bit panicky if we’re about to run out.
  • Unlike my first pregnancy, although I suffered just as much nausea, I was able to eat foods that were not ice cold, and really only rejected onions and all bitter greens (which is so odd for me).  The nausea seems to have passed in the last week, thank goodness.
  • I was dismayed at my last scan to learn that I have an anterior placenta, as I’ve been counting down until I can have daily reassurance that Moose’s heart is beating.  
  • Despite the anterior placenta, I had a nagging sensation all last week that I was crazy, as I was starting to feel those tell-tale taps in there, one every couple of days or so.  When we saw the OB the other day, the nurse was listening with the doppler and heard a kick just as I felt it.  Apparently, it’s not that uncommon to be so early with a second pregnancy.  I’m looking forward to feeling more regular movement!
  • Speaking of the doppler, Moose seems to be more cooperative in this department.  So far no heart-attack inducing hiding baby experiences.  He/she may sense that my adrenal glands just can’t take it – they’re overloaded as it is.
  • I break out in hives every evening, for no apparent reason.  No one is worried about this, as my tests are all normal, but, huh?
  • I’ve not told most people at work that I’m pregnant, but it’s now fairly obvious.  I’m kind of enjoying watching them eye my belly and then decide not to say anything.
  • Today is the first day of the second trimester, 14 weeks and counting.


It’s a start, anyway.  We’re rolling along.  We have an early anatomy scan booked with genetics next week that will hopefully be reassuring, although the brain will not be developed enough at 15 weeks to rule out absolutely everything.  I’ll take ruling out anything, really.  I’ll take good news.  Here’s hoping.



About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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9 Responses to Record Keeping

  1. I hear ya. While this is my first pregnancy I’m equally as hesitant to write things down. I bought a beautiful pregnancy journal at about four weeks that sits empty 3 months later. I worry writing anything down jinxes it.

  2. CGsaysstuff says:

    I don’t think I could bring myself to blog until…. Oh, 20 weeks or so with this pregnancy, and the first photo at 24. I’m sure I’ll look back and wish I had more, but I’ve spent so much time analyzing everything about this pregnancy, it’ll likely be tough to forget.
    Positive happy vibes for moose to grow strong and keep karate kicking away 😉

    • I just keep trying to tell myself that if all goes well I probably won’t care how many photos I’ve taken. I think what it really boils down to is fear of not feeling connected, and I suspect that will come.

      You’re getting close – so exciting!!!

  3. meridith says:

    I am so super excited for you and I get the feeling about wanting the baby instead of the writing. I’ve felt that way in other situations and it seems like a trade off, even though it isn’t logical. Tell us more, when you can. We are very excited for this baby and we’ll celebrate on your behalf!

  4. lifesabanquet1 says:

    Hi Tamara! My name is Heather and I was hoping you could email me about a quick question I have regarding your blog! Please email me whenever you get a free moment at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com 🙂

  5. I totally get (a) recognize that something you’re thinking/feeling is illogical and (b) being okay with it anyway. I’m glad you’re able to get these memories down, though!

  6. Rachael says:

    I totally understand why you would be reluctant. I’m glad to see you getting through some of the memories down regardless.

  7. The pregnancy hives! My partner gets them all the time, for no reason. Turns out they are perfectly normal (had to google it cuz i was getting freaked out!) But documenting is good, for all the reasons you listed…it’s nice to look back and see what happens/happened and be able to compare notes. And besides, how else are we supposed to share your joys/sorrows/fears/hopes with you?!?! Thanks for sharing your story with us..

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