I’m here!

Sorry about being MIA.  This has been stressful – and combined with the exhaustion that comes with early pregnancy anyway, a little overwhelming.

Things have been stable.  The bleed, after staying around the same size on several scans, is finally looking smaller.  I’m spotting only rarely and (TMI alert) it’s obviously old blood.  The little one (we’re calling him/her Moose) is growing, on schedule, with arms and legs and stuff.




We graduated from the fertility clinic, a week ahead of schedule, but genetics wants to do my NT scan next week instead of having it done at the clinic, which is fine with me.  There’s nobody I trust more than the genetics department.  I got the sweetest email from our genetic counsellor yesterday warning me that more than one person may scan me on Monday and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong.  She gets it.  It’s hard, now, to not study the technicians closely, not to read too much into it.  

We’re scheduled to meet with our OB in another week.  We made the decision to change hospitals this time.  We received nothing but the highest standard of care with our first hospital and the nurses, in particular, I will remember for the rest of my life.  We just didn’t think that the clinic there would ever be anything but the place where we got devastating news, and the high risk birthing unit will always be where we lost our son.  We didn’t want to carry that into this pregnancy.  It will be a good fit, I think – we’ll be in the same office as both our geneticist and my therapist, which can’t hurt. 

We had a wonderful trip to Chicago last week…one of my very favourite cities.  I ate both a gluten-free donut and a gluten-free cupcake, so I was in heaven.  Thanks to the miracle of Diclectin, I’m eating food again, and we had some lovely dinners. We did some museums, went to the zoo.  A wonderful, unraveling, restful trip. Just what we needed. 

I did have a minor meltdown when I realized that my pants no longer do up.  This is earlier than I expected (which I know is normal for a second pregnancy), and I dug out the belly band and brought it on our trip, but for some reason it really freaked me out.  I bought a pair of maternity jeans while we were in the states (maternity clothes are so much cheaper down there!) and it was hard, harder than I thought it would be.  I don’t know why I thought that I could wait until our early anatomy scan to look pregnant.  I was already showing by 15 weeks last time.  Buying those blessedly comfortable stretchy pants just seems like a horribly presumptuous thing to do.  It’s hard to watch my body change without knowing if things will be okay, because I remember watching it change back with no baby to show for it.

Yet unbelievably, we are where we are.  The beginning of next week will mark 12 weeks and the first trimester will be drawing to a close.  It’s not a guarantee.  It’s a milestone, at least.  One I never for a second assumed we’d reach.  I’m grateful for it.


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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5 Responses to I’m here!

  1. Rachael says:

    I have no words for how much I admire your strength and your courage to write posts like this. I can’t imagine how this second time around is for you. I just continue to send you peaceful and calming vibes and good thoughts for happy, healthy baby and mamas at the end of this new chapter for you.

  2. I’m glad you are doing well, and that your genetic counsellor is so understanding and thoughtful.
    As for pants, I don’t fit into anything regular anymore and I’m just shy of 7 weeks. With the girls I never bought maternity pants (or rather, I returned them all, unopened) so this is still new territory…
    Hoping so much for a positive, living, breathing, kicking outcome.

  3. CGsaysstuff says:

    So glad to hear things are going well this far. Hoping little Moose is feeling sticky and is in it for the long haul!

    I totally get the anxiety about previous maternity clothes. I am now 32 weeks with pregnancy 2 and yesterday put on a pair of stretchy pants I bought way back during the first pregnancy. Even now, it felt strange and a little wrong to me.

    Hang in there and take it slow, little steps. Take care of your heart first and foremost.

  4. So glad to hear! Love the nickname, too (it’s the name of our cat, which only means that it’s endearing to me!). And I get wanting to be in a new place for this birth – I’m grateful that my hospital moved to a new wing just two months after we left – so with the (hopeful) pregnancy #2, it’ll be with the same people but in a beautiful new building shaped like a butterfly (true!).

  5. Burning Eye says:

    Oh, yes, the maternity clothes. I didn’t want to wear them, either. Nothing that looked obvious, none of those high-waisted belted rouched things with bows. There have been so many superstitions, too. It takes a great effort to ignore them, to dismiss them.

    Moose is a very cute nickname.

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