Don’t let the door hit you on the way out

Goodbye, 2013.

The year that promised so much.  So much joyful anticipation that if I close my eyes, I can still feel it flutter in my chest, butterflies with razor-edged wings.  2013 was the year of squinting at a shockingly positive pregnancy test after so many negatives, the year of morning sickness and ultrasounds with strong heartbeats.  Choosing names and making plans.  2013 was the year of the coming future.

2013 was a jerk.  It offered us so much and it didn’t deliver.  Because 2013 was also the year of horrifying test results and terrible truths, and finally, it was the year where we met our small, still son and had to keep going without him.  So I’m glad, so glad, to see the end of it.

I have so much gratitude for some of the things that this year brought me.  I have my health, which was not always a given.  We learned – over and over and over again – how loved we are, how much we love, and what wonderful community we’ve built.  We received warm and compassionate medical care. I am married to my favourite person in the world, and I feel lucky every day.

All the same, I’m ready for a new year. We stood on the edge of January last year and told ourselves that this would be the year that we got our baby.  I’m afraid now to jinx ourselves, but surely this one will be better. I’m hanging on to that idea.  Come on, 2014.

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About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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5 Responses to Don’t let the door hit you on the way out

  1. Lauren says:

    2014 WILL be better. It just will. We’ll have a grand European vacation, you will very likely be pregnant at some point in the first six months, maybe we’ll renovate or buy a new house, and by June I will have bench-pressed you. Isn’t that a whole host of things to look forward to? 😉

    I’m so glad to navigate this all with you, my love.

  2. There’s no one else I’d rather navigate it with, sweetheart.
    I’m excited about all of it (though admittedly a little concerned about the bench-pressing – I may need to work on my core strength). 🙂

  3. I hope that 2014 offers only good things and keeps all of its promises. I also hope that Lauren is calculating your possible pregnancy weight gain into her bench press promises.

    • Lauren says:

      Anna, I hadn’t factored possible pregnancy in to my benching aspirations but I am glad you brought it up because lord knows, I love a stretch goal!

  4. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I had a similarly promising and crushing 2013. Hoping that 2014 will be better, for both of us.

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