Waiting, and not

Oh, the dreaded waiting.  I’d nearly forgotten about the waiting.  We’re about a week and a half into our first post-baby tww, and I’ve done really well up until…well, now.  Now it’s harder not to scrutinize and speculate.  Not to test.  I don’t feel particularly pregnant, but I have to remind myself that that means nothing.  There’s no way to know. The chances of a first-try hit are fairly low, but I’m already over waiting.  So very, very much waiting, and here we are at exactly the same stage we were at last Christmas….waiting to test.

We’ve embraced Christmas, at the last minute.  One thing that I’m learning is that waiting to feel 100% better before rejoining the world is a mistake. If I waited until I didn’t feel sad, ever, we wouldn’t celebrate anything at all for a long, long time.  We wouldn’t try to conceive again. Wouldn’t give ourselves the chance to find joy.

The holidays are here, and there is much that I’m grateful for.  We’re just peering out from under one of the worst ice storms in local history, and unlike about 300 000 of our fellow Torontonians, we have both light and heat.  We dug in.

I wish that I’d taken a photo, but my wife baked up a storm.  We watched Muppet Family Christmas (the best one, the one where all the Muppets, plus the Sesame Street gang, plus the Fraggles, all spend Christmas at Fozzie’s mother’s farmhouse and the Swedish Chef wants to cook Big Bird in lieu of a turkey).  We had pancakes for dinner.

This happened:




And this too:


We have each other, we have wonderful friends, we’ll leave tomorrow to spend a couple of days with Lauren’s awesome family, I have time and viable ovaries, and the waiting won’t kill me.  Probably. 🙂


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Waiting, and not

  1. Ms. S says:

    Yep. I’m in the tww too, this is the 7th? 8th? month. Fed up with this. So fed up. I love your ornament for Ezra. I wanted one for Peregrine and couldn’t find just the right one. I’m pretty sure that my mother in law is turning the one piece of the quilt made at my shower that we didn’t bury him in — a Peregrine I made, not sharing the reason why at the shower — to make into an ornament for us, but I guess we’ll receive it at Christmas.

  2. Allison says:

    Merry (early) Christmas. I hope it’s a good one.

  3. CGsaysstuff says:

    Glad to hear you’ve embraced the holiday ;).
    Muppet Fanily Christmas is amazing. I watched it too.
    Cheers to you both.

  4. gus&otto says:

    I guess you get to pee on a stick any day now…pretty exciting!!!

    Those ornaments are lovely. Hope the holidays passed well for you, and that you could be as present as humanly possible. I loved what you said about sadness and re-joining the world. It was spot on.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s