What’s the opposite of linear?

I can’t think of a good word.  Whatever it is, that’s what this is.  Grief is the opposite of linear.

I don’t have a good reason why life has been harder in the last few days.  It’s a combination of things, I suppose.  More days a week at work, with all the effort that takes, all those brave faces to make.  The looming spectre of the holidays.  A voicemail telling me that Ezra’s gravestone has been installed.  Some new babies on the way in our sphere and the need to be happy for the people who are having them, people we care about. The jarring reality of PMS (I’d forgotten about it).  Standing at the bottom of Fertility Mountain, preparing to start climbing again – feeling good about the summit, but not so jazzed about the cycle monitoring.  The first ultrasound in 9 months where there was no baby in there. I’m not sure.  Some days it’s just harder than others.  It doesn’t feel fair.  

So I want to post about how I’m generally feeling hopeful about conceiving again, because it’s true.  I want to post about moving forward, about healing, and about the wonderful services that I’ve accessed.  I want to post about the people that I’m meeting through this process, the babylost mothers who are forming this amazing circle of isolation-busting support.  I want to be positive.

But today, I’m giving in to the twists that knock me off the decidedly non-linear path. Today I feel sad. 




About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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7 Responses to What’s the opposite of linear?

  1. Abhi says:

    Tamara, nothing I say will help ease the sadness. However, please know that I’m wishing you easier days to come, and strength to get through the tough days. (hugs)

  2. allison-lee says:

    These things go in ups and downs. Some days, or weeks, are going to be harder. I think that’s to be expected. Maybe tomorrow won’t be as difficult. I think it’s important to make room for those sad feelings, but to also allow room for the happy and hopeful ones.

  3. Rachael says:

    My heart continues to break for you. I just hope your sadness will lessen with time, though I’m sure it may never go away. I can’t imagine what you are going through, and no words will make it better, but I am hoping to send you a small bit of strength from my end of the world to help lift you up.

  4. CGsaysstuff says:

    Hugs. I completely understand, and even when you ‘don’t have a reason’, you have a reason. Sometimes, I’ve found, that is the reason, I’ve walked so far from this tragedy that every day is unfamiliar.

  5. AndiePants says:

    Hooray, I guess? Ugh. I’m so sorry this continues to be so drawn out. I hope you can move forward fully very soon.

  6. The sad stuff is what I need to post about the most. An overwhelming time of year is looming.

  7. Burning Eye says:

    Circular, maybe. Or spiral. I know the feeling.

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