Vacation – it’s a good thing.

We just came back from a much-needed long weekend in New York.  We planned this trip right after we lost Ezra, needing something to look forward to.  I’m so glad that we did.

I think that I underestimate sometimes how much familiar things are a trigger for me.  It’s one of the hardest things about baby loss, I suspect.  Every single one of my familiar places makes me think of the last time I was there pregnant. No matter what I do, I’m in the house where I should be folding tiny clothes.  I walk the sidewalks where I should soon be pushing a stroller.  It’s like there’s this ghost of myself who follows me around, and I can always, always see what I should be doing, in that alternate reality where the baby was developing just fine and we were as happy and oblivious as ever.

I was never pregnant in New York.  We went last summer, just before we started trying to conceive, and so it fit, in a bookend-ish kind of way.  We had a great time.  I’ll update with some photos later.  We saw an awesome show (a musical adaptation of Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home…. highly recommended!), we went to MOMA, we spent hours walking around in the sunshine and we ate far too much.  I didn’t limit my intake of either coffee or wine, in what is likely to be the only period in two years or more where I’m neither trying to conceive nor pregnant.  It was nice.

Now we’re home (and as always happens after a trip, my wife is perusing New York real estate) and we settle back into our lives.  But the break – the break was vital.  I’m likely to go back to work at the beginning of November (a post to come), we’re starting to look towards the future, and gradually, gradually, we’re getting used to this new path.

Although that doesn’t mean I have to like it.


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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9 Responses to Recharged

  1. Lindsay says:

    Glad you had a chance to get away and enjoy yourselves a bit, and away from the ghost of the alternate reality.

    I’m new to your blog – I’m also in Toronto, always ‘nice’ to meet fellow bloggers from our city.

  2. DeCaf says:

    NYC is amazing to visit, my wife wanted us to live there but I couldn’t find a job so it didn’t happen, but now we’re very happy in our midwest city. Fun Home, the graphic novel, is a work of art but it seems like it’d be difficult to adapt to the stage with singing.

  3. Emily says:

    I found your blog via Glow. I’m also a fellow Toronto-ian and dead baby mother. My son Aidan died 3 1/2 years ago around the same gestational age as your son (mine was 23 weeks +3 days). All I can say is that it gets better…and it doesn’t. He will always be gone, and you will always miss the him that should have been. The first 6 months to a year is the hardest though, when the hurt is so visceral and all-consuming. Feel what you need to in this time, and yes, it will get easier to make it through the day, until one day you won’t even have to try so hard anymore.

    I just wanted to say that I actually laughed out loud when I read the post about your dream (in the way that only dead baby parents can laugh about something so awful).

    Glad you had fun in N.Y. I would love to go someday.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Thank you so much for reaching out – it helps. I find it so reassuring to hear from parents who are further along in the process, to hear that I will neither forget my son nor be forever unable to function. Thank you.

      And I totally agree about a little dark humour – sometimes it’s all we have.

  4. amourningmom says:

    No parent should have to live in a world without their child//children. I hate that we do and wish that it was different. Please know that you are not alone (although I know that every baby and their story is different). Sending hope and hugs. xo

  5. Carrie says:

    After my wife and I lost our daughter, Alice in Feb 2012, we almost immediately planned a trip to Hawaii over Mother’s Day. It was the best thing we could have done for ourselves. While it wasn’t a super joyful trip by any means, it was AWAY and it was a break from the every day drone. I really think that it did a lot to push us further down the road of healing. I hope it does the same for you. The other commentators are spot on. It will get better. We remember Alice every single day – sometimes in sadness and sometimes with a light heart, but neither one of us are debilitated any more. We’re expecting again now and that’s taken us for a few loops (and I’m sure will a few more). You will never forget your son. I promise that. And…my experience is that it will get easier to function. One day at a time.

  6. Thank you for this. We did find our trip so healing – we’re starting to plan another one for spring, something to look forward to as we start to navigate the fertility world again. We’re getting there.

    And gentle congratulations on expecting again. I can imagine that being a frightening and wondrous thing. All the best.

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