Right…the hospital DIDN’T burn to the ground after my heart was broken there.


Today is a day that I’ve been dreading for weeks.  It’s time for my postpartum check.  That appointment where we look to see how I’ve healed, how breastfeeding is going, where the doctor asks delicate questions to screen for postpartum depression.  Where my OB wants to know how the baby is doing and nurses stop in the hall to fuss over him.

Like so many other things, this is not what is going to happen.  We’re going to establish that yes, I’ve healed.  I’m still leaking milk (when will that stop?).  I probably do have postpartum depression, I guess, but who could ever tell?  There’s no baby to fuss over.

Mainly, I’m afraid of the hospital.  I haven’t seen my OB since she checked my contractions on the evening of August 6 and went off shift.  I haven’t been in the hospital parking lot since we went home without Ezra.  And the exam room where they put me after that terrible ultrasound is a place that I dream about every night.

I’m trying to look at it as a step forward.  Just like the pregnant women I force myself to sit near in coffee shops and the maternity section I walk through to get to the escalators at Target. We’ll go to the hospital this afternoon, and we’ll ask about trying to conceive again, and we’ll learn to do things that terrify us. Each first thing, each hard thing, is something that I’m practicing. I’m practicing being better.

I’ll let you know how that works out.

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About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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10 Responses to Right…the hospital DIDN’T burn to the ground after my heart was broken there.

  1. it’s been nearly ten months since i lost my little boy, and i still tear up when i just see the signs that point to the hospital where he was born and then died (and where i had all of my prenatal appointments, ultrasounds, etc.). i had a postpartum appointment scheduled there for three months after he died, and i started having panic attacks as the day approached. we ended up skipping it, because i just *can’t* go back there…ever. you are much braver than i, and i am sending you and your wife so much French “courage” for today. *hugs*

    • I can only imagine how traumatic the hospital experience must have been for you…I at least knew, when I was checking in, what was going to happen. I’m not braver…just making it through the last ten months has been an admirable act of bravery on your part. I’ve been thinking of you as I prepare to return to work and hope to handle it half as well.

  2. CGsaysstuff says:

    Best of luck to you, this will be tough.
    I used to panic and sweat whenever Id drive to town to get groceries. I quickly realized it always happened just as I was going by the hospital when I learned my baby had died and later had my d and c.
    I even had a doctors appointment the other day, and just hearing my doctors voice in the other room made me want to curl up and cry.
    These triggers can be brutal, they trigger terrible memories and remind us of memories we wanted to make.
    I admire your strength to push forward and face what you must to get through it.

  3. twoimmas says:

    Sending you lots of prayers of healing and strength.

  4. Ashleigh says:

    You are unbelievably brave. You are in my thoughts often. How did the appointment go?

    • Thank you. 🙂 It was okay – the hospital is very sensitive, we’ve found, and brought us in outside of regular clinic hours so that we could avoid all of the pregnant women in the waiting room. It was an incredibly difficult place to be, and it was hard to see our OB, but all is well physically and the emotional, well, it will come in time.

  5. mamaetmaman says:

    It makes it hard to be part of society, doesn’t it? Right now, I’m feeling infertile and am filled with a whole lot of sadness and a little bit of anger and jealousy every time I see swollen baby bumps, women with babies, or friends announcing bundles of joy on social media. I haven’t been able to go on Facebook for weeks now. Hopefully your trajectory has changed and you and your DW will be on your way to new creations.

    • I remember this part of the fertility journey well. It took us a while, and it does seem that everyone else manages to get pregnant while you’re trying and waiting, doesn’t it? Especially when it’s expensive and invasive and involves so many outside people. I’m sorry….it’s hard. While I’m hopeful that we’ll be able to try again soon, I am not looking forward to this part of it at all.

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