Quo Vadis?

I’m wrestling with what I’m doing with this space.  I’m going to keep blogging, because I don’t know how to not write, and because I still believe that there’s value in connected experiences.  I’m just having a bit of vertigo – the world is swaying with the force of change.

I haven’t even edited the About Me page, confusing visitors to the blog to no end, I imagine.  Because over there is cheerful me, slightly annoyed with the fertility process but so excited about what is to come.  I’m having some trouble erasing her.  She has no idea.

How did I end up, in less than a year, morphing from writing a queer fertility blog to a queer pregnancy blog to… this?  I don’t even know what to call this.  There’s a community out there that I had no prior reason to ever seek out, and those blogs give me comfort in the wee hours of the night.  They use the term ‘babylost’.  Is that what I am? It sounds piercingly accurate.

I may be trying to define this too much, needing the messy unfurling of this time to fit neatly into a box.  I’ll write a queer babylost blog – an educational experience! – and then in a few months it will transition smoothly back into a fertility blog, and I’ll get pregnant quickly, and the pregnancy blog will be full of boring anecdotes about how normal every single scan is, and then I can finally get on with the business of posting some pictures of a baby doing ridiculously cute things.  If only grief worked like that.  If only life worked like that.

But all I can do is what I know how to do – try to tame words to make sense of things.  So bear with me in the next months, if you can. Because this may be a grief space for a while, and then more likely a space about how terrifying it is to plan for another baby. And, I suspect and fear, about how grief doesn’t end magically when you decide to move on.

A life blog.



About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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13 Responses to Quo Vadis?

  1. CGsaysstuff says:

    Funny thing about this grief connection.
    I know when I started my blog, I had no idea where it would go. How long could I write about tears and missing and sadness? Well, admittedly, a long time, it infuses each moment of my life in some small way, even as I’m feeling happier. Then I worried, how do I change this blog if I do manage to get pregnant? Will the followers I’ve gained in the ‘babylost’ community abandon post because it hurts too much to read??
    I know, for me, personally, as I’ve healed some, I’ve gained so much hope for others who’ve been ‘babylost’, that when they get pregnant, I find myself rooting so strongly for them to succeed. I can only hope others feel the same.
    Either way, pregnancy, fertility, TTC and loss are such roller coasters, and they seem to be evolving all the time. It’s understandable for your blog to do the same.
    Best of luck to you.

  2. mamaetmaman says:

    Any good babylost blogs you recommend? I’m feeling a bit babylost/limbo myself. Thanks in advance.

  3. Isa says:

    I think that just a life blog is perfect. Anyone who doesn’t want to follow because you’re not happy happy all the time isn’t probably a reader you want anyway.

    • I’m always amazed that anyone reads anyway! It’s me…I’m struggling with the space. Because it’s supposed be to happy and excited – I’m supposed to be happy and excited. And I’m not. And that’s stupid. Does that make any sense? I feel like I don’t make a lot of sense these days. 🙂

  4. Anne says:

    I just wanted to say hello, as another queer babylost mama. My wife and I lost our firstborn, Joseph, last December at 35 weeks. He was stillborn, due to a cord accident. I came across your name and blog at Glow in the Woods. I’m so sorry we have all found ourselves in this new community, that I never even knew existed until 8 months ago. Sending you Light and hugs.

    • Anne,
      Thank you for reading, and thanks for reaching out. It helps the isolation so much to realize that there are others out there, although I sincerely wish that none of us had joined this particular club. I think I stumbled on your wife’s blog, maybe? I’m so sorry about Joseph. I’m sending you warm thoughts as well.

      • Anne says:

        Yes, I was just mentioning coming across your blog to her tonight and she mentioned you’d corresponded a bit! Thinking of you, your wife, and Ezra.

  5. jham0330 says:

    Just reading of other people’s experiences and thoughts helps those suffering the same thing know they are not alone. I know when I had a miscarriage last fall, I felt trapped in a black room. I could see out of it, knew everyone and everything else is going on without me, but I couldn’t get out of the blackness. It’s so cliche, but time helps, as does reading about others who know exactly what you are going through. Camaraderie is a powerful tool. You never know who might find solace in your words. And getting them out there does help a little too. And when you’re ready, you can journey into pregnancy and motherhood again, with tender, skeptical steps.

  6. The Wife says:

    If nothing else, I think I give you plenty of anecdotes to pepper this blog with. Just sayin’. 😉 Maybe consider blogging about our ongoing, never-ending, Quiddler/Skip-bo tournament.

  7. You ARE a source of never ending comic gold. One of the many reasons that I married you. 🙂

  8. lucadorosmom says:

    Hi Tamara. I’m so sorry for your loss, and that Ezra isn’t in your arms. Know, unfortunately, that you aren’t alone. My wife and I lost our son Luca a day after he was born at 39 weeks in March. We went through the ttc rollercoaster and wondered how the universe could be so cruel, when we were so ready to be mamas. I thought we were going to die for a few weeks after we got home from the hospital, of sheer heartache. But, 7 months today, and we are still here, attempting to put one foot in front of the other. I wish you and your wife the best of luck with ttc again.

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