Getting by

I’m so sorry that I’m behind on responding to comments, but thank you, everyone.  Your words mean a lot.  It really helps to feel like part of a community, and I do.

I’m making it through each new day, some days with more success than others.  We were able to spend a weekend at the cottage, which was wonderful – lots of sunshine and quiet, and hours to spend feeling small under a huge curved sky, sitting on the dock with a cup of coffee and my journal.  It was exactly what I needed.

cottage

Physically, I’m healing well from birth.  The engorgement finally seems to have eased up, although I’m ready for let-down to stop.  It’s triggered whenever I hear a crying baby in public, which stabs me anew every time.  Babies are hard in general, right now.

I’ve also decided to take some leave from work.  In Ontario a woman is still entitled to the pregnancy portion of her maternity leave even if the baby is stillborn, so I can take up to 15 weeks after birth.  I just can’t see myself doing my job right now – all those hours taking care of other people’s children.  Needing to be totally focused, and patient, and clear minded.  All those people who I left while I was round and happy and who are expecting me to come back counting down the last few months before I welcome my baby.  I also work with aggressive kids, and kids who run – I need to be on my game or risk myself or someone else getting hurt.  It’s too much responsibility and I’m not ready.

Emotionally…well, it is what it is.  The team that Lauren manages at work are a lovely bunch and they sent us some flowers yesterday. They included this A.A. Milne quote in the card:

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh.

“There there,” said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.”

I think that pretty much sums it up, better than I could have said it myself.  I don’t feel much like me right now.  I’m grateful in every moment for my wife, who doesn’t feel much like herself right now either and brings me tea and honey anyway.

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About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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