Quietness

We are home, and resting.  I am apparently very good at contracting… after only a few hours of labour, our son Ezra George arrived at 5:53 last night.  He was, without a doubt, the most beautiful baby that I have ever seen.

They told us at the hospital that Ezra would not have survived full term birth or the hours after it.  On what was the absolute worst day of my life, there was at least something peaceful in knowing that the experience was not painful for him, or frightening.  There is a post forthcoming about the amazing care that we received at Sunnybrook hospital – everything from dressing and fussing over our baby to making sure we had photos and footprints taken to sneaking us in the freight elevator to avoid exposing us to the healthy babies headed home today.  We were surrounded by kindness the whole time we were there.

We’re home and clinging to each other in the quietness of after.  I’m exhausted, and newly appreciative of my own sheets and pillows, and trying to shake the sensation that I accidentally came home without my baby.

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About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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6 Responses to Quietness

  1. meridith says:

    I’m so glad you’re home and although I can’t imagine the heartbreak I hope that happiness comes back to you soon.

  2. Olive says:

    I’m sending love and strength. I’m so sorry that your baby isn’t home with you. It’s impossibly unfair.

  3. A beautiful name for your beautiful son. I am so sorry that you had to go home without him. Thinking of you and Lauren.

  4. I am thinking about you and am so sad for both of you. I hope you find some peace and clarity and are able to take time to rest.

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