Jinx

Pregnancy is forcing me to contemplate just how much Jewish superstition I’ve been carrying around unseen, right underneath my chicken soup recipe and the inability to cook for less than eight people.  I”m more of a cultural Jew than anything, so I didn’t really expect it, but there it is.  I carry it all the same.

I’ve been trying to write a blog post to commemorate these first days of pregnancy, but my fingers hesitate over the keyboard, fearful of drawing wrath from…something.  Some malevolent spirit?  The fates?  Ayin Hara, the evil eye?  I don’t know.  I only know that too much happiness feels dangerous.  This has often been true for me; I accept good things with both gratitude and a glance over my shoulder.

I bought a pregnancy journal the other day, and I haven’t yet brought myself to touch ink to it.  I don’t want to forget anything…Lauren’s reaction to a mini-flotilla of positive pregnancy tests, the first stirrings of symptoms that I know mean my body is already changing, the shock of realizing that we’re very likely to be parents before the next Christmas family photo. I don’t want to forget Lauren’s father calling our baby “lucky number seven” in delight when he found out he was going to be a grandfather yet again.  I want to remember and yet I’m having trouble shaking this feeling – if I mark this pregnancy in time, I’ll have to acknowledge it if something goes wrong.  Which I realize is ridiculous.  I’ll acknowledge it anyway.

The truth is that I spent so much time congratulating myself for getting my fertility stress under control that I didn’t spend any time thinking about how anxious I was going to be when I finally got pregnant.  At this point, everything looks fine.  The betas are doubling and I’m appropriately nauseous, but still, the fear.  Does everyone feel this? They must.  Part of me thinks that it will ease by week 12, that I’ll settle into pregnancy and cease to worry.  A bigger part of me suspects that this is just my introduction into the way of things to come…a lifetime of worrying about choking hazards, falls from swings, and teenagers who drive too fast.  I wait, and I hope, and I try not to to draw attention from the fates in whom I do not believe, and I get used to the idea of worrying about my child.

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About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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7 Responses to Jinx

  1. Ashleigh says:

    I could have written the exact same blog posts (although not as eloquently) at 5ish weeks pregnant (isn’t that what you are?). I was grateful to be pregnant, yet terrified that something was going to go wrong. I’m a worrier by nature. Despite positive midwife appointments, ultrasounds and the appropriate pregnancy symptoms, I continued to feel nervous throughout. Funny enough, even when the girls arrived, the worries continued! While this might not be what you want to hear, this is who I am. I do my best to manage my worrying (but I’ve been like this all of my life, so it’s tough!). Talk through it. Write blog entries. Find your outlet. You are definitely not alone!

    • I find this reassuring… that people like you who had totally healthy pregnancies felt this way too. Just part of the package, I guess! I’m a worrier too; I know this about myself. I suppose it only makes sense that I’d fret. Thanks for the support. 🙂

  2. The wife says:

    I, for one, think you are doing great. Better than I imagined! Mini-flotilla!

  3. I definitely didn’t imagine myself being this scared or superstitious, but I am. I’ll let you know if it lets up at 12 weeks, but somehow I don’t think it will…

    Fingers crossed?

  4. Pingback: So, some news… | Queerly Trying

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