Waiting, Still Waiting.

So far this has been, hands-down, the tww with the lowest amount of stress.  It’s hard to put my finger on what’s been different about this one… maybe just experience?  Maybe practice.  Maybe the fates, whispering about patience, that it will happen soon. Maybe cynicism.  Probably cynicism.

For some reason I was really convinced that we would conceive in December (once I got over being convinced that we would conceive on the first try).  A September birth to make my maternity leave at the school easy on my students, two paid months off over the summer before I delivered, a Christmas Eve beta and a wonderful announcement to my in-laws on Christmas morning.  Those two weeks of waiting were brutal… I teetered wildly between being zen-like in my certainty that I was pregnant and what I can only describe as terror that I wasn’t.  I think in retrospect that I was just at the end of my rope with the fertility process after doing several cycles in a row.  We had already decided not to do January or February – my wise wife wanted a break, and I didn’t, but it made financial sense and it was the best thing we could possibly have done.  She is a smart woman.

That December cycle turned out to be a chemical pregnancy.  I got the faintest ever second line on a home test… really, the faintest possible line.  Military grade technology was practically necessary to see it, but it was there.  So faint that I didn’t dare say the word “pregnant” aloud, but existent enough to get very, very excited about testing the next day.  It was about the same the following morning, and gone the next one.  I had my blood drawn and I was a wreck…all that elation, and then all that fear, the day before Christmas.  The nurse on the phone sounded so sad when she told me what I already knew. We drove to my sister-in-laws house and tucked our nephews in to wait for Santa and tried to stay positive, but it hurt.  It wasn’t so much not being pregnant, but that faintly positive test…

At this point I find it harder to believe deep down that I could be pregnant, so it feels easier to wait for the negative test.  Which, truth be told, is a more comfortable place to be.  I got the stomach flu a couple of days after the iui last week, and I was surprised… I didn’t even play the “I’m nauseaous and I know it’s not technically possible that it’s morning sickness yet but maybe maybe maybe!” game.  So this time I keep myself from googling “6dpo symptoms”(because when does THAT ever turn out well?), and I haven’t bought a pregnancy test yet (but ask me in a couple of days) and we wait.  And it’s really okay. For now.


About tamarainwriting

I'm a queer, married, child and youth counsellor, in Toronto, Ontario. My wife and I had a beautiful stillborn son and we have an amazing one-year-old daughter. It's a complex journey.
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One Response to Waiting, Still Waiting.

  1. When we were trying we decided not to test because the only thing worse than a negative is a false positive..ugh…so frustrating…

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